Hmmmm

Why I am posting, I don't know.

I have been divorced for almost a year...I am seeing more, everyday, how wretched I am. My faith, questionably (if that is a word), is nothing more than another life strategy to gain control and make life work, as best as possible, so that I get the most creature comfort and gain....I am full of shit.

On top of this, I realize how much everyone is full of shit as well. I have always believed that true life comes from "losing your life." It amazes me how in the brink of darkness, where I sit, I realize more and more how dark I am, which I kinda mentally have prepared myself for. However, the surprise is how much it ALSO exposes just how ugly other people are too! A best friend, who I thought was just that, was exposed as bullshit. Not only through lack, but through the surprising initiation of those who I never expected, brought this illumination.

Daily I refute my own beliefs, managing them with my own conscience, per se, to see if they are real...only to question if this process in of itself leads to this confusion....and back again. Fools, you who think you know my problem, as you try in your own mind to use logic to say I shouldn't use logic by "over-analysis." Doesn't matter, anyways, since people don't care enough to sacrifice themselves; I am one of those people...I wasn't one of those people, I thought. Maybe I am not, and this is just a "season." Prodigal son returns after the wound heals enough or the cry for pain meds becomes too much to resist any longer. What is true, what is not. God fucking seems to be a Deist. Setting the world in motion to not interact except through my head making excuses for Him all the time. Convincing myself to believe more instead of Him actually showing up.....on and on it goes...who knows! My view of Him is so skewed....He skews it.....I skew it.....people skew it...lame.

ONward and ...UPward?